Harry Potter 8: Harry's Motherhood
by StupidSequel
Summary: Harry has his own child after becoming a woman. After his child gets rejected from Hogwarts, he learns a strange truth about himself. In the B-plot, the Hogwarts faculty have been searching for the main trio for over 19 years to punish them for cutting.


**Harry Potter 8: Harry's Motherhood**

After the book 7 epilogue, Harry and Ginny's kids are at Hogwarts and they have confessed that they forced them to go there instead of regular school because it's so much cooler. Harry felt a pang of jealousy.

"Ever since I defeated Voldemort, I've been thinking 'now what?' It's like all purpose has been sapped from my life." Harry sighed. "I wish our kids were here instead of that dumb place we call Hogwarts where they probably get swine flu from its name. I WISH THEY COULD GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL! I WANNA HAVE THE ULTIMATE FUN WITH THEM! SCREW FRIENDS!" Harry was throwing a 4-year-old style temper tantrum.

"Dude! Has the Horcrux part of you contained all your emotional stability or what?" Ginny teased. A part of Harry's brain activated.

"That must be it! Man, I should bring Voldemort back to life so I can bring back my emotional stability. Thanks, Ginny! You always think for me! Hey, you know what would solve my problem with the kids being away?" Harry proposed. Ginny had a nervous look on her face.

"Do you know any male pregnancy spells?" Harry asked. Ginny did a face palm.

"C'mon! When are you gonna say April Fools? Did I hear you right? You wanna get pregnant? Blimey, I gotta do something before the author of this story gets far enough to stop you from-" she couldn't finish before Harry pelted out the door. She then remembered it was only February, two days till Halloween. She was getting her Spiderman costume ready.

Harry walked all the way to Platform 9 and ¾ and got on the train. _Ow, this snow is hurting my eyes! It's so bright! Someone should pour a huge bucket of boiling water all over this crap sack to hell. _He put a spell on himself to make himself blind. When the train arrived at Hogwarts, he fell over into the snow. He had forgotten that he was still blind.

"Opticus Ex Machina," he chanted while pointing his wand at his head. His vision came back. The new headmaster greeted him at the front doors.

"I am Aldus Bumblebore, Dumbledore's half-brother. Whatever can I do for you?" he asked in a preppy girl kind of way.

"I want to enroll here," Harry lied. He had somewhat of an espionage scheme going on in his little head.

"Dude, you're the famous Harry Potter, aren't you? The one who killed Voldemort. You are much too old to be a student here. That and a wizard as skilled as you would put the students at an unfair disadvantage. You're what, 36 years old now? You might as well teach or something." An owl flew overhead, hooted, and flew away.

"Avada Kedavra," Harry chanted, wand held out toward Bumblebore. _Step 1, getting past security, complete. _He went into the Great Hall and put his invisibility cloak on. He went into a class where a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was teaching.

"Which spell do you students want to see?" he asked. Harry got behind a fat kid.

"I WANT TO SEE A MALE PREGNANCY SPELL," Harry shouted from behind the fat kid, still with his cloak on. The whole class giggled.

"All right then. This rarely-used spell has some use when dealing with an enemy. Obviously wizards can't fight when going into labor. You can take advantage of their condition to stun them or something. Obviously I can't demonstrate it or I'd get in serious trouble." He put down his wand. "The incantation goes, '_Masculi_ _Nursium.'_" Harry wrote it down on his Magna Doodle.

_Oh blimey, the body of the headmaster! _Harry remembered. He used a duplication spell on his invisibility cloak, walked to the front doors of the castle, put the duplicate cloak around Bumblebore, and buried him.

At King's Cross, McGonagall, Slughorn, Filch, and Flitwick were walking and looking around. "The owl I sent out should be here any minute," Slughorn assured. "Soon they will finally know know that cutting school will not go unpunished."

In case you're confused, we'll flash back to over 19 years ago, right after the battle with Voldemort. McGonagall shouted amidst corpses and rubble, "Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger, get over here this instant! You've all got detention for cutting school most of the year!" None of them were anywhere in sight. "Blimey! They must have gone home already. I need to organize a search party." She turned her head over to some of the staff members. "Filch, Flitwick, and Slughorn, come with me to the muggle world. I think they've gone home already." They searched aimlessly for the entire time span between the main story and the epilogue of The Deathly Hallows (they won't use magic in the muggle world and they didn't think to ask anyone if they'd seen them). Now here they are at the train station, and unless you started reading here for some reason, you already knew that. Also, they're still looking for the three main characters.

"Wonder how the replacement staff members are doing," Filch rasped. "I mean, we can't be in two places at once. D'oh, of course we can! If we'd thought of that, it could have saved us about six months. And we can't replace any of the replacement staff."

At last the owl flew to King's Cross. Slughorn got out his owl translator machine and turned it on. "Harry is in the Hogwarts castle," it beeped.

"Onward to Hogwarts NOW! Not a moment to lose!" McGonagall bellowed. They went into platform 9 ¾. There was no train.

"Oh blimey! We can't wait for the train to come back! And we can't walk there either. Think, McGonagall, what did Harry and Ron get in trouble for in year 2? If I remember correctly, it was somehow linked to getting to Hogwarts. Of course! A flying car! Let's go, everyone, we'll go to Ron's house and steal that old timey car. Hopefully he'll be there also, and we can snag him and send him to detention!"

They walked all the way to the Weasley's house and McGonagall knocked on the door. Arthur answered the door in his underwear, his eyes narrowed from being tired. The staff didn't seem repulsed by his hairy beer belly.

"We need to speak with Ron," she said.

"Ron moved out about 17 years ago. It's just me and Molly here," he replied. "And for future reference, never come here this early. I sleep in my underwear."

"Do you know where I can find him?" McGonagall asked.

"Yeah. He and Hermione live on Basil Drive now."

"Thank you, Arthur Weasley." McGonagall, Filch, Flitwick, and Slughorn crammed into Mr. Weasley's car, drove off, and flew away in it. "Onward to Hogwarts to find Harry, and then to Basil Drive."

Harry took the train back home (it conveniently waited for him) and went back to "his place." He pointed his wand at himself. "_Masculi Nursium_," he chanted. Nothing happened.

"Dude, don't you know a thing about biology?" Ginny teased. "That's that male pregnancy spell, isn't it? Yup. Sorry, dude! I guess you're gonna have to have an affair." She said those last words jokingly. A light bulb appeared above Harry's head.

"Ginny, may I cheat on you?" he asked her.

"Sure," Ginny said.

Harry went out the door and rode his tricycle to Ron and Hermione's place. _I can't believe the Dark Arts teacher lied to everyone, _he thought angrily. He called the new Dark Arts teacher on his cell phone. "Professor Morvicle, how come I have to actually do the work myself in order to make the spell work? You taught it like it was instantaneous."

"It is." the professor replied. "Wait, what wand do you have?"

"It matters? Since when? Hold on, lemme check... uh, Phoenix tail."

"That's one of the newer wands. The older wands allowed you to activate that pregnancy spell instantaneously, but since wizards used it more and more frivolously, the Ministry of Magic changed it so that you have to make love first." Harry hung up.

"Ron, this may sound kinda awkward, but I love you," Harry stammered. Ron looked around.

"I copy and paste the heck out of your response. Hey, Hermione, may I cheat on you?" he asked her.

"Yes you may," Hermione answered. Harry and Ron went inside to plan a date. They drove across the border of England to Brazil to see Angel Falls. They took a bunch of photos and videos. At last Harry popped the question.

"Yes, Harry, I will marry you," answered Ron. After they got married three days later, Harry remembered with a pang.

"I just remembered, I'm not gay! I love Ginny. There must be another way!" Harry decided to go to the doctor to get a sex change operation because you can't use magic in the muggle world. (Just to avoid confusion, I will still call Harry a he even though he's now a woman).

Meanwhile, McGonagall, Filch, Flitwick, and Slughorn were flying in Arthur Weasley's car on their way to Hogwarts. They spotted the train coming back.

"Blimey! If only we'd waited a little longer! We probably somehow missed him again!" Slughorn ranted.

"We gotta find out where he lives! Hey, a solar eclipse! We gotta look at it," McGonagall said. They only looked at the eclipse for a second or two before the moon moved out of the way and they were looking directly at the sun. McGonagall went temporarily blind and lost control of the car and they plummeted to the ground. They were bruised and bleeding all over.

"Deus ex machina," McGonagall chanted. They were now perfectly healed and the car was repaired.

Six months later, Harry was at Morton Hospital. He'd just given birth to a boy. He noticed something odd about its nose. He was born with three nostrils and he sounded like a donkey with a sore throat.

"Ewww, That thing is ugly! It deserves a bad, demeaning name. I'll name it Secret of NIMH 2," Harry declared.

"I have no choice but to agree since we're married," Ginny said to Harry. They took their baby home.

11 years later Harry decided it was time to enroll Secret of NIMH 2 at Hogwarts. When Harry went in the building with Secret of NIMH 2 to meet his teachers and get an application from the office, the new headmaster stood in their way.

"I'm sorry. We can't let him go to Hogwarts. His name is much too inappropriate," the headmaster informed him.

"You guys suck!" Harry snapped. "I don't wanna have to get used to another name!" He threw NIMH 2 through the doors and ran away. "He's all yours!"

He suddenly saw his son in front of him. "You asshole principal! Did you teleport him? Aw well, I guess I lost _this_ round!"

He took him back home and he, Secret of NIMH 2, and Ginny all had the longest family game night ever, playing Rock em Sock em robots, various Rock Band video games, Harry Potter Monopoly, and finally, the game (the one that you just lost.) Harry won that one. They played games until 5 a.m.

Meanwhile, the former Hogwarts staff were still looking for Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They had forgotten already where their new homes were after moving out and thought maybe they moved to one of the nearby cities. A mountain was blocking the way and the only way through was to climb it.

"Did you ever think to ask if anyone has ever seen any of them?" Slughorn asked.

"Deep fried crap wrapped in bacon and dipped in nacho cheese! I do need to ask if anyone has seen them!" McGonagall ejaculated. "We need to turn around." They were near the top of the mountain. A mountain horse galloped toward the ledge that loomed above them and sent stones breaking off the rock wall. The Hogwarts faculty members lost their grip and fell close to 600 feet. They all had several broken bones. Filch dialed 9-1-1 on his cellphone. A few minutes later an ambulance pulled up and took them to the ER. While they were there at Morton hospital (the same one where Harry's baby was born in) they had a perfect chance to ask if the doctors had seen Harry, Ron, or Hermione, and they blew it by forgetting to ask.

Harry was getting overwhelmed with irritation that he couldn't enroll Secret of NIMH 2 at Hogwarts and the more he thought about it the more he wanted to change their minds. He wrote an angry letter to Hogwarts ranting about how they should let his son enroll there. The stuff he wrote contained a bunch of profanity, taking the Lord's name in vain, and a load of other content that's not safe for work. He mailed it and felt like a 400 lb barbell was lifted off his chest.

The next day he got a letter from Hogwarts. He opened the envelope and read it aloud.

"Dear Harry. We didn't like the angry letter you sent us, but it serves us right for lying to you. Come to the Hogwarts office. We have something surprising to tell you and I don't know how you're gonna take it." He threw the letter in the trash and pelted out the door and as he was heading out, he blew Ginny a kiss and told her he was heading to Hogwarts.

Over at the hospital, all four of the Hogwarts staff members got out of the hospital beds before they were ready to be released. They were clearly getting agitated about Harry and his friends being karma Houdinis because they couldn't find them and give them detention for cutting. They were looking for clues as to their whereabouts. They noticed a garbage truck drive by. McGonagall, Filch, Flitwick, and Slughorn pelted after it and went into where the garbage sat and found a clue. It was the letter that was mailed to Harry from Hogwarts.

"By jove, we've struck gold!" McGonagall exclaimed. "My spidey sense tells me that Harry is heading back to Hogwarts. We'll be at the ready. Harry, prepare for the full wrath of detention for cutting school for most of your seventh year! I don't care if you was trying to save the world," She let out an evil sounding laugh.

They went to a bar to drink some Jack Daniels so they'd have more courage and then went to Arthur Weasley's place and stole his car and used it to fly to Hogwarts. They were almost there when they swerved out of control and got smitten by the Whomping Willow.

"Bonkers! Shouldn't have gotten drunk and then attempted to fly a car. I remember now, too much liquor makes you drunk," McGonagall pouted. They were too injured to venture inside the castle, which is too bad because Harry was traveling up the stairs to the entrance.

"I wanna get liquor banned from England," McGonagall pouted.

Harry sat in the headmaster's office, unaware that the former Hogwarts faculty were all groaning in agony just outside. This is the closest the two parties have ever been so far in this story. "Harry. You may find this hard to believe, but you are not a wizard. You have never done magic of any sort. You are and have always been a muggle. There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that you have done. For instance, when you summoned the patronus, we stood by at the ready and put up holograms of whatever your patronus was. Breathing underwater was simple: there is a little bit of nuclear waste that mutated your DNA to resemble a fish. The Invisibility Cloak is the latest breakthrough in physics. Just a matter of bending light rays. Also, anyone can fly on broomsticks nowadays, even muggles. It's a relatively new product from Fly Corp. I'll stop there cause I see you're getting bored. Anyway, we lied to you about Secret of NIMH 2 being rejected from Hogwarts for his name. It was actually because he is a muggle and muggles can't go to Hogwarts. We didn't want you to know."

"But I went to Hogwarts. How come?" Harry asked in a confused tone.

"Because we had to get you away from your abusive aunt and uncle. We felt sorry for you."

Harry was crying up a river.

"Ha ha! I pwned you for writing that angry letter! Now you know the horrible truth!" the headmaster snarled. Harry went back home and spent the day riding virtual roller coasters on his computer. Everything was all right again when Ginny used a spell on Harry to turn him into a real, official wizard.

Ten years later the Hogwarts staff were still looking for the three main characters so they could give them detention, but they kept failing either due to injury, unlucky timing, or just being idiots. They died of massive injuries from a trash compactor before they could locate the three main characters (they were searching it).


End file.
